Sometimes when faced with breast cancer, either our own or a friend’s, it’s hard to know what to say. Throughout my own experience, I could sometimes trick myself into some “happy talk” (it’ll be okay; they caught it early; you’ll be fine; you’re in good hands). But invariably part of me--the most emotional part--refused to stay buoyant and positive. Instead, I sunk into talk of another kind (insisting that it would most certainly NOT be okay; I’ve only got a few months to live; my case will fool all the professionals and defy logical medical sense).
So, you’d think that when it came to support other women who are facing breast cancer, I’d be oh so good at knowing just what to say and when and how to say it.
Wrong.
Truth be told, the shock of my own diagnosis left me speechless and unprepared at times. I guess that’s why it logically follows that if I couldn’t find the words, then how could I find them for others?
People often struggle to figure out a way to say something--anything--but so often the right something is alarmingly elusive. What happens then? The old foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, when words fly out that you wish you could stuff back in.
What follows are some suggestions should you be in the position of knowing someone facing a diagnosis of breast cancer. In the perfect world, we’d never have to worry about being in this position. But judging from the statistics*, chances are you will need them.
* The American Cancer Society's most recent estimates for breast cancer in the United States for 2010:
DON’T tell the person just diagnosed that you know a woman who just died, had a negative mammogram, or recently had a scare. No one who is actually going through a disease wants to hear stories that don’t really matter, anyway.
DON’T tell her, “I know just how you feel (unless, of course, you do). Even though you consider yourself to be the most empathic person in the universe, you cannot possibly know.
DO admit that you might not know what to say, but you are here for her. Tell her you are willing to do anything she might need, even if that means staying silent and just listening. Better yet, rather than ask what she needs, take the lead: tell her you’ll pick her kids up after school, bring over a prepared dinner once a week, go food shopping, walk the dog.
DON’T label the person as though they are sick. Most women are so consumed with doctors, medical procedures and coping with everyday fatigue that all they crave is to get back to “normal” and not be thought of as a patient. A fellow survivor shared this with me: “I still see people who will say, ‘And how do you feel?’ as if I’d just recovered from the plague! I even had a friend who introduced me to someone as ‘My friend who has cancer.’ I’d had my surgery … and wanted to move on.”
DO remember to ask the person about her life, her children, her activities--anything that gives her joy outside of her medical situation. Invite her out to lunch, to a play, a funny movie, a day of shopping.
DON’T shy away by ignoring the facts of the disease. It’s frightening; plain and simple.
DO acknowledge the person’s fear. The fear is real. And the fear is appropriate. So, instead of saying, “Oh, I know you’ll be just fine!” offer this: “You must be scared.” If she wants to discuss her fears, listen patiently. Trying to talk her out of them will only make her feel more angry and frustrated than she probably already is.
DON’T drop out of sight or stay away.
DO be there, in any way you can. Stay in touch; even if it’s just with a card or email. Or make a donation to a cancer research organization in her honor; it’s a touching reminder that you are thinking of her.
Not all outsiders are prepared to help. You might desperately want to help but don’t know how. You might want to turn and run the other way.
But remember: someone who is facing a cancer diagnosis is just as scared and uncertain as you probably are. And right now it’s up to you to be the strong shoulder to lean on. Communication and support are priceless.
Sheryl Kraft is Health & Wellness Editor at EndlessBeauty.com and a breast cancer survivor.
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Good advice from someone who's been on both sides of this disease. Sometimes when the tough stuff happens words fail us or we're not sure how to help. Thanks for offering ideas from the trenches.
Thanks, Sarah. Tough stuff often makes us searching for the "right" words. I hope this will help some who can't find any.
Sadly I've had several friends with breast cancer and other forms of cancer already (I'm in my early 40s). One friend, who was 29 at the time, almost died of an aggressive cancer. This is all good advice that I've tried to follow. I never stay away but I don't always say the right things, I fear...
I'm glad you don't stay away, Jennifer. It never hurts to learn ways to cope since so many of us have friends, younger and younger, with the disease.
I've wondered, you say to not say that you know someone who died from breast cancer, which makes perfect sense, but is it at all helpful to let the person know that you have friends who've survived breast cancer--or does that make the person feel negated?
Kristen, The best thing for someone to hear is "my friend is a XXX-year survivor" or "I know a woman who was diagnosed 30 years ago and is fine today" or something to that effect. Trust me, it is VERY helpful to hear inspirational stories like this. I don't think anyone going through it would feel negated.
I especially like your DO suggestions. I have never been in the situation of having a friend diagnosed with breast cancer. I did have a friend 30 years ago, tell me she had been diagnosed with uterine cancer and had made an appointment for a hysterectomy. I remember being amazed and tongue-tied, while I was registering the shock of this news. She was a good friend. Since then, I have had a lot of time to think about this. What would I do? I would give that person a hug first. I would tell them about the number of people I have met recently who have changed their lifestyle, improved their diet, fortified their immune system, and beaten cancer. I would suggest visiting the Silent Spring Institute Web site (Silent Spring is doing good work trying to figure out causes and recommend a switch to green cleaners, for instance), joining Breast Cancer Action, which is working to spread the word about toxic chemicals in our environment, one of the reasons so many women, and YOUNG women, are getting breast cancer today. One in eight. This is an outrageous statistic. Why the dramatic increase in breast cancer over the past 50 years? Synthetic chemicals in the environment, like BPA, that mimic estrogen. I think older women can look back and realize things were not always this way. When I was young, few people got diseases like breast cancer and endometriosis.
A hug first definitely goes a long way, I think. And thanks for the information, Chezsven, on environmental causes.
Thanks for the tips. I often fall down the "I don't know what to say so I don't say anything" road, and I really do care and want to help.
I hope the tips are helpful, Lisa. I realize many people do care and just don't know how to help.
Thanks for the tips, Sheryl! It's also really tough to know what to say to someone who's grieving. I hated being told that "your father is in a better place" or "it was his time to go." I would have much rather heard something like "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "it must be difficult." Then again, everyone's different so it's tough to generalize.
Yes, Susan, I understand how those words were not comforting at all. Sometimes all we need is some acknowledgement, not judgement.
I've found that a simple acknowledgment like, "I'm sorry you're going through this," often says more than longer spiels. Also, before you say something, always ask yourself whether it will make your friend feel better -- or you. Right now, it should be about her.
You are so right, Ruth. So many times, people say things that help them feel better (like the person who said to me, "Oh, I just got back my mammography results and all was well!"). I'll never forget that one.
Thank you for these - I never know what to say.
Hopefully this will help you - and other women who feel tongue tied - the next time someone really could use your help.
This is good advice. My sister got grilled by some woman she doesn't know at a Halloween party last week. The woman noticed her compression sleeve, and she practically berated my sister with questions ... including something about not being 'safe' until the 5-year mark.
It's also hard for her now that she is mostly done with the brutal treatment. Everyone acts like it's all over, but for my sis ... it really isn't yet. She is still recovering and adjusting back to daily life.
Ugh. So sad. People are clueless sometimes and don't realize how hurtful and inappropriate they can be. And once you are done with treatment, in my opinion, THAT is when you have a really hard time, emotionally. My good thoughts are with your sister!